News on Me

Sunday, 15th April, 2007.

It was a wedding dinner of Mr. Lai Kah Hoe and Ms. Goh Siew Peng, and if I hadn’t expressed myself enough, I would really like to take this opportunity to wish them "Congratulations!" again. Both of them had been some of my best friends in my university life, so I was, and am still, very happy for them.

Yet, I have to be sorry for being almost too passive during that night. I would have to say, I realize I am becoming selfish and self-centered. I really do think so. In fact, after so long not seeing my 8th college friends and also AI faculty mates, it comes to be as a shocker that all of them are so successful now. I am still a nobody, so I do feel out of place.

I don’t believe this have anything to do with my intelligence. I still believe in my abilities. Just that, I realize people around my university life are thinking big now, and I am still goalless in life (with enjoying life my only goal now). It is like everyone is looking way far and up, I am still focusing on 1 meter radius around me. Furthermore, I see a lot of couples, and I felt for the first time in my life the little specks of remorse of not having one ever. Still, the food is nice, and I enjoyed the environment there. Which makes the night a memorable one for me.

Message: > ONE

there is NO SUCH THING as a friendster
tracker. it does NOT exist. so quit
posting
stupid
bulletins like

"OH-EM-GEEEEE this WORKS!!!"

no, it doesnt.

(to you guys who are still forwarding
mails from ‘Mr Allen Smith’, or "who
views your profile most" it’s fake,
how i know? Nah, I didn’t try it,
people with common sense knows it
won’t work)

>TWO

To the people who have like 25,000
friends,

are you serious?

You’re stupid.

Go play in traffic.

(Crap la add so many, bet you don’t
even know a quarter of those buggers
in your list, and what’s with opening
10 accounts and having the same people
in all 10 of em? Like that my
grandmother also can have 20 accounts
la!)

>THREE

Don’t ever post pictures and say

"OMG, I’m so ugly"

"OMG, I’m so fat"

because if you were,

you wouldn’t post them.

And if u do ur a freaking mongoloid.

(If you really think you look ugly,
please, do not post the pic; spare us
the torture. If you really think you
are handsome then just say so la,
don’t pretend la)

>FOUR

Nobody cares about threats over the
internet.

Don’t try to act hardcore with the
keyboard.

Fighting online is like racing in the
special
olympics;

even if you win, you’re still retarded.

(Just press "delete", siap, no more
problems)

>FIVE

Quit crying

b/c you’re not on someones top 8.

who cares?

ITS FRIENDSTER!!!

Stop bitching!!!

(Walao, like that also cry…
speechless)

>SIX

Who really cares if I don’t accept you
as a friend?

MOVE ON!!!

Don’t send me another request or
message asking

"what’s up with you not adding me?"

I don’t want you as a friend, that’s
what’s up!!!

(Have some dignity la, don’t so
hardsell can or not? Ooh, btw that’s
why the girls don’t reply my messages
la, haih)

>SEVEN

Little 12 year olds who have Friendster
and look like sluts, and act like
whores go somewhere else because
nobody wants you here.

(Contrary to popular belief, puffing
your cheeks and taking big head photos
actually make you look stupid, rather
than cute, and please don’t put
captions saying "cute cute me",
hamsters and babys are cute, you’re
not, live with it)

>EIGHT

If you have decided to read this,
you are a true Friendster Friend.
Real friends read their bulletins.

(Ditto bout this, most posts are crap
so I didn’t bother to read, this is an
exception)

>NINE

I say you go and pass this on
and maybe it will finally get through
people’s brains

(Yea, do this and spread some
intelligence around, do the society a
favour)

>TEN

And if you open a bulletin and it says
something like

"repost this in 100 seconds or a ghost
will rape your dog tonight,or some
dead skinless girl is gonna rape your
mom"

QUIT BEING A DUMBASS

(Btw if the skinless girl is coming
can I at least ask that she be well-
endowed and come for me instead? Don’t
care bout the skin part la, turn off
lights ady cannot see mai dak lo)

This is a test to see how many people
in your friends list actually pay
attention to you.

(in my case probably nil)

I really don’t know which is worse. Knowing that there are people who would do anything to take advantage of other people insecurity by posting spams of threats, or people who would do anything to innovate a somewhat informative message into something irritating. Really, this opens up a totally new debate. Whichever the case is, I can’t believe that our world accommodates so many low-life, great websites like friendster and others are getting spams of such.

Of course, I realize that this is an international website, so there are bound to be nuisances like spams, threats, and others floating around. Especially in the bulletins. Just look at the above quote. That post is as a response to people who misjudge friendster, or get themselves too emotionally involved with friendster, or somehow misuses friendster. Part of it stresses on reposting bulletins to make it a chain mail of some sort, which is a good thing. I totally dislike chain mails, wherever they come from, so it is a good thing that this bulletin post attempts to stop it.

However, the above post goes to the point of being abusive. I happen to view the similar post too many times, I just got tired of reposting it again and again. So the above version stands out as something which is re-written. And "PROBLEM WITH THAT GUY’S LIFE!! THAT GUY IS A TOTAL GUSTI SURI (whatever this means. It is a catchy phrase in IDC now)". Why the hell will someone rewrite something which is already annoying people because it is transmitted like a chain mail, to something which is more annoying? Wouldn’t it be enough to just repost the original version?

And as if it is not enough, that mail ask people to repost it under that title. I really don’t understand, why would people who just wrote about something anti-chain-post want someone to repost their stuff? Wouldn’t that be something like hypocracy?

So, really, I do not know which is more low-life. People who write and post spams, or the writer of the above post? I am not blaming people who repost the bulletin, because I did so sometimes, too. Furthermore, I did a lot by making sure that the chain mail flow at my direction stops at me most of the time. However, when a chain post is being annoying to the state that it makes me angry, there must be something very wrong with the fella who wrote it.

Woohoo….I feel like crap. To be honest, if there is anytime in my life that I pick up the bad habits of smoking or drinking, I don’t see a much more suitable time than this week. And from what I can see, this ain’t gonna stop at the end of this week.

First of all, this week marks the beginning of the Down Under project, and this also marks my worse nightmare. All this time, I have been involved in projects across our region, but now, I will have to switch my way of speech to accommodate the ‘client’ in the Down Under region and its neighbouring country. If this is not crappy enough, there is the problem of the vague questionaire.

So to sum up things, the conclusion is this marks the beginning of a no-performance week, and I felt like crap because of it.

To make the matter worse, I have thousands… erm … dozens of things playing in my head, some I needed to do urgently, others I need to plan in my schedule. Yet, I led a busy life last week to rush a project out, and now I don’t think it is much worth the effort. I hit 18, approximately 33% of the total result, and it could have been 20++ had I not felt cheated on the last day of the project. Actually, not the last day, it was 10 days ahead of the date due ( thanks to our trio’s effort ), and I am not really cheated in any way, but somehow, at the back of my mind, I still feel that there is a high chance there won’t be a bonus ( a sign of gratitude ) for finishing ahead of schedule.

Well, I still have to return to university to settle fees and other matters, cancel my postpaid phone line, apply for new job, juggle self-learn schedule, ect. Not to mention my mind is kind of pre-occupied, because my pay is kind of underestimating my effort, and my recent performance just don’t show much, so I can’t take it as a plus point to argue for a raise. Plus, with a raise comes higher expectation, and high result is not something I can produce all the time.

And to add to the problem, there is the emotional uncertainty. Well, last January, there is a project which involves a neighbouring country, and my performance of 42 is somewhere around 30% of the total hits, and so distinctly tops the result for the whole project. It is not that spectacular, and I only manage to lead because my teammates was absent for some days. However, as it is finished ahead of schedule, we were expecting a bonus, and I even told of the bonus to the two other top performers. When it was not given, it was not about the money anymore, but more on reputation. Believe it or not, when the pay comes out, I felt like jumping off the building just to find solace and peace, as my words will surely comes under scrutiny. Well, the money matter does comes in calculation, as I wanted to get the money to fund a new handphone, so that my line still operates when Reaper comes for my current Nokia 3315.

I had a very big feeling that I may have stayed in my temporary surveying job for too long, and something at the back of my head is regretting it already. Really….this is the main reason why I decide to pack up and head for home within 2 hours after coming in to work yesterday. Of course, for starters, I wasn’t physically fit, and the long distance walk put my medicine reaction to the max, I always felt like throwing up. The medicine also bars me from thinking straight, and for some moment I felt like losing myself. That, plus some people constantly pressure me on something, I believe I would have thrown a tantrum, or throw up, if I didn’t head for home asap.

Of course, the pressure yesterday was abnormal. Having log in back after 3 days, uncertainty develops, and that contributes to the awry mentality I had when I went to work.

1st Factor : Potential economy recession

Actually, I felt like I perhaps had stayed in my current company. Had I left earlier, I may not be stuck in this potential recession with so much fear. Then again, if I had left, I may head the discard list for my new company, since many company will look for ways to cut cost, including firing people, if things get to awry. Perhaps economy recession may give me the opportunity to get hired for less pay, which I am prepared to go for if the job offers me learning opportunity (and a quick exit road).

But, perhaps it won’t be that easy after all. Economy recession brings a lot of negative development, with potential unemployment crisis being one. A potential one will strike fear to all citizens, and I really don’t like where the worse case scenario is heading.

Which is why I believe I will be looking at BSKL very closely for the next couple of weeks. Though I am not a business student, and I know the sharemarket like Amber Chia know Astronomy (I don’t think she know anything about astronomy), I will be all over the newspapers more often now.

2. Job prospect in my current company not very good

It is a pity I manage to just graduate…in a wrong majoring. My current company don’t need anyone in design field. I am still looking at opportunity in the internal office, but chances are scarce. Plus, I don’t want to end up a receptionist, or any other job beyond advertising and web design.

In fact, because I am normally an introvert, survey is really not my thing. This is a fact, although I survived 7-8 months of working in phone survey with mediocre success. If I reflect back carefully, none of the success is credible to my social skills. I was from University of Malaya’s Faculty of Computer Science and Information Technology, and my lecturers as well as my friends there had all showed me much more information on the computer technology nowadays than needed for me to survive. So understanding a client’s story about their technology architecture, and also describing back to clients on certain jargons they didn’t understand, was relatively manageable.

With a mediocre social skill, it is a matter of time before I face a stumbling block, and for me, that stumbling block had already appear. It is beyond my skills to bother a client for 15-20 minutes, and still make the client happy to answer. But, success demand is high, and I just don’t believe I have it in my grasp. Unlike the past project, where I had it in my grasp, this project was hard because "I cannot see what this survey is useful for, and so I cannot explain to my clients why I need to ask so much."

3. Pride

Over my time in my current company, I develop something known as pride. It is not to be said as a hunger for success, but more of a kiasu-ism… unable to accept failure. It piles more and more pressure on daily basis.

I had a ‘glorious’ time with a project in January, heading the rankings for survey done. Just yesterday, that glorious time fired back. I was under scrutiny for not asking my questions properly, and it seemed that I skipped an important question. Yes, for them, it is a crime, and I am guilty. But I had known people who skips more question than me in other projects, and seemed to get off clear.

Apart from that, I am also facing a period of non-performance. In the past project, I kept myself off scoring 0 as my main target, with getting as much as possible as my secondary target. It worked quite well, apart from the fact I need more toilet trips to wash my face and cool myself. However, in the coming project, things is hard. Not only do I need to beg for 10 minutes minimum, the call list I kept was also taken away from me. So, my ’sure success’ calls, something I tried my hardest to keep, had been taken by others. Well, it is not a bad thing, considering names in my list still appear to be successful so far. But I know top management won’t see it that way.

If that is not bad enough, someone actually took my survey question paper together, and I had to rely on a new, mini-size font of probably less than 7 Arial. Something tells me I will go blind one day.

Adds all factor together, I had my pride wounded for being under scrutiny, and also realizing I am not a good role model for new people, and it will be wounded deeper when I approach a day of non-performance…in 3 hours time. Yea….I can’t sleep if I keep all this in my heart. It is probably a call for me to keep quiet, keep all knowledge to myself, and become non-existant. Perhaps then will I leave with peace at heart.

4. Behaviour

Originally, I set foot in my current company wishing to smoothen my speech. Well, to safely say, I achieved that last year itself. I had been keeping on practising on it. Up till now, I can say that if there is nothing else of concern, I can quickly pull something into discussion even if my brains got lost somewhere half way through a survey.

However, I had also noticed that I took all my concious everyday in stopping myself from going overboard and do something I will be shameful of, like having my emotions rule, or throwing a tantrum. Sadly to day, working life in my company had make myself wilder in nature, and now I can just speak out vulgar words unknowingly. This had been the case thus far, and it took all my effort to prevent any of this to be the case during a survey. And it took more effort for me to control myself from being wilder.

I am very afraid, if I continue, I will be letting my temper go more easily. With all the negative influence I am exposed with daily, and all the pressure piled on result, my self-discipline is being negotiated down bit by bit. And I am also aware I am doing a lot of things which, under normal circumstances, I would not have done, all in the name of making one successful survey at least, per day. I have also seen worse, and I am glad that I am still able to keep myself off bad habits I am influenced to. But, I won’t be surprise to see myself smoking and drinking, if I am still in the front line making direct contact to customers.

Wilder behaviour to lock out emotions, and vulgar speech to counter disappointment, is so not me. I think my former teachers would have hung in shame if they know I had developed so much negative buffs in so little time.

This is not imaginary. Only yesterday, I almost let myself explode, because I am being thrown around. No real factor for me to explode off my anger, really, but I know that for my wild behaviour, such explosion needs no reason. I believe I did the right thing going back, else HLA will surely shake like never before.

5. So…

With all these things playing in my mind, especially on the potential economy recession, it is no doubt I won’t be having a good success rate in days to come. Sure, I would like to take it easy with my life, and stop regretting staying past what I intended for, but I don’t believe there is a moment that I can look back to, and not say "What if I took this opportunity." Loyalty shifted much opportunity out of my grasp, but it is not to be blamed totally. Of course, I will still look back and say "What if I had managed to graduate in my third year." Things will obviously be better, no?

Sadly to say, yesterday’s experience brings my current company into my list of regrets.

It has been a long time since I last touched this blog, so just updating a few important things that happened.

1. I made it to graduate

Although I believed that I didn’t make the cut, I was glad when the letter came in last December telling me about an offer to do Masters, because only a graduate will have that kind of privilege. Seem like my lecturer gave me a chance to step on the podium this August although my final year project wasn’t really up to the mark.

2. I am back in IDC

And I am thinking of leaving for a good, secure, and profitable back-end job. Well, my intention of joining IDC to train my communication skills had been achieved, so I am thinking of joining some other companies with learning opportunities.

3. I am WANTED!

PTPTN knows that there are a lot of people who haven’t pay back their education loan. What PTPTN didn’t know was that I was still studying all this while, so I don’t have a single cent to pay back. They could have chosen to give me an exemption.

Not that I am complaining against it, since it is their rules for payment. BUT STILL, I hate their ways of doing things. First of all, if they wanted me to pay up beginning last year, they could have sent me a letter in last January, so that I know I have to pay up. Instead, they chose to send it in July, and the letter only reach me in August. By that time, I am off my part time work, so how am I going to dig the money to pay them up.

4. I am more addicted into games.

People can just find me hanging around Berjaya Times Square arcade center more often. If not, they can find me in Alfheim RO (rather, they will find my High Wizard, Acolyte, or Crusader). I am thinking of entering Blue Server as well….but some dumb quiz kept my efforts plain useless.

5. Last thing to update, really

Many people have been asking me this question. In reality, I am not anti-female, but yes… I don’t have a girlfriend yet, and not planning to find one yet.

Have you ever experience getting a news which is suppose to be a very good news, yet when you receive it, you don’t seem all that happy? No…In fact, when you receive it, you despair. Have you ever received any news that can send you to a hospital for cardiac problems? Ever starred at something for a long, long time, and even when you tell your body to move, it just won’t.

Now, ever encountered a news to make you have the 3 reactions above in split seconds? I don’t know what to say more, so I am cutting everything short. Four things happened in the past couple of weeks, and it changed my life altogether.

1. I received news of the death of a campus friend recently. He was still suppose to study, but he had passed away suddenly.

2. I sent my computer for repair, and it came back….well….wierd. For most part, my computer is a lot faster than before, yet when I am playing DOTA, the reaction time is slower than usual. Plus there are still a lot of bugs here and there.

3. Have plans for business on New Year’s Eve, but a lot of things happen, and it dampens the plan. I ended up sleeping the countdown off. Not really that bad, considering I learn a lot about business preparation.

4. This is perhaps the worst news ever, for me. I nearly fainted on the spot when I receive the letter, and I went crazy, dizzy, whatever you name it, for a few days. Considering that I made up my mind that I am going on to work life without a degree, and had everything planned, and the path laid down for me.

Nothing is confirmed yet, but I think I am graduating this August.Received the letter of confirmation, yet to submit a reply, though. And I have yet to pay up my fees also. Yet to pass up my thesis final report. Yet to…..

For all who are desperate to read the above text, just highlight the whole paragraph and read it. Else, leave it as it is. I purposely made it yellow for myself. Please don’t send a commend condemning me.

Recently, on the December 15th, we bear witness to the end of one of the most fabulous games, the Doha Asian Games. Not that many are aware of it. Some Malaysians are more concerned on their telco lines, as December 15th also marked the final day to register their numbers. To them, "Doha Asian Games, what Doha Asian games? My <insert telco company here> is more important." is the natural response.

For me, Doha had been a great city. Since day one, since the opening ceremony, they have been living up to their "The Game of Your Life" billing. Their opening ceremony was magnificent, and unique. Yet, all this hype generated seemed to die down when the closing ceremony was on. Despite the vibrant display on December 1st, the closing ceremony was done in a more solemn note.

Doha was also the city we should always remember, as we went to, and came out from the city, with bittersweet memories.

The Good

1. Malaysians completed the games in style, hauling up 8 golds, 17 silvers and 17 bronzes to placed themselves JUST outside the top 10 ranking. This is also Malaysia’s biggest haul of gold medals in the Asiad.

2. Malaysia showed that we are a rising nation in athletics. With 1 silver and 1 bronze, Malaysia proved to their own citizens that there is hope with our athletics people to achieve great results in the future. It would have been better had our athlete turned that silver into gold, after missing the gold with just a whisker.

3. The badminton doubles ended their gold draught, with our new scratch pair Koo K.K.-Tan B.H. overcoming top seeds to get their hands to the elusive medal.

4. Wushu showed great potential to be considered an upcoming sports for Malaysians.

5. We lit the lanes of the Doha bowling alley on fire, getting 3 golds, plus some silvers and bronzes. It put our nation top on medal haul in bowling.

6. As usual, we conquered in squash.

The Bad

1. Sepak takraw failed to end Thailand’s dominance, losing tamely to them in several finals. In fact, we even lost to Myanmar in the semi-final of the doubles event. It was the Vietnamese who stopped the Thais from getting their hands to all the gold sepak takraw had to offer, winning the girls regu team event. If the Vietnamese can do it, I wonder why can’t we.

2. Soccer showed just how dwarved our standard of that game is. Our players showed uninspiring performance to lose all our group matches. Our loss is truly due to our own performances, yet the RTM commentator had the guts to snide the Chinese for being arrogant and smiling ( arrogantly ) when they conceded a free-kick goal to the Malaysians. What is there to be arrogant about when they conceded a goal? Rather than an arrogant smile, I think the smile is more of a disbelieving smile…..yea, that beauty of the free kick would put Beckham to shame.

3. High hopes for our hockey, nothing came back. Not even a single medal. For our men to finish 6th overall….ahem. And is the Japanese stronger than us? We seem to be drawing them more and more often nowadays.

4. The failure in hockey lies truly in our team’s disappointment against Hong Kong, where we failed to win big. It is not like what someone suggested, that the Pakistanis and the Japanese conspired. If we had delivered a big win against the Hong Kong team and came out with a huge goal difference, the Pakistanis won’t come out of the Pakistan - Japan match without trying their best to win. So, yeah, it shows that we were EXTREMELY quick in pointing their fingers at others when it is our fault we failed to achieve our target.

5. This is purely my thought. Sazali deserved a silver. I don’t know of the other body-builder, though. On Sazali’s case, he had been great. Really great. If he hadn’t followed that UAE body builder from the start of the individual free-style performance from start to finish, copying each and every move that UAE athlete threw out, he should get his hands on gold. When he does that, it is annoying even to me, so I guess the judges took that sentiment and gave him a silver. If Sazali ended up with gold, I think it would have been unfair for UAE.

6. We entered karate finals 4 times, and came out with 4 silvers. What bad luck!

7. We achieved our greatest medal haul, yet people aren’t satisfied. Now, looking at the statistics, we went quite close to gold on at least 2 events ( jumping with stick - I forgot what is it called, kierin cycling ), and it IS our greatest performance in all of Asiad. But, we have to improve and keep improving for future Asiads.

The Downright Ugly

1. What happened to sportsmanship? We didn’t participate in as many events as we would love to. What in the BLUE HELL happened to our chess team?

Ok, this one needs elaboration. Chess is not considered a game ( sports? ) Malaysians ruled, so there is a logic in not sending a team, but it showed that we are not ready for long term success. We cannot view all the teams sent as a medal candidate, and each have to come back with some achievement. Now, a few sports went on in Category B list, while others with no hope on their shoulders. Yet, just look at what Rufina and Esther Kwan got us? Who is there to declare that we wouldn’t get lucky with medals in chess if we had sent.

Furthermore, it is not sportsmanship if we only think of medals when we sent our athletes. We should really look and learn from the Japanese and Koreans. They send sepak takraw teams in both men and women, with no chance of doing anything to shatter the dominance of the South-East-Asians. Macau sent over divers who is there just to make up the numbers. Japanese took part in all the events contested, but have no chance at all in several of the sports.

Japanese, Nepal and Macau sent chess teams comprising of NO players with master titles. Malaysia had at least 2 IMs. It is true that we have no GM. Yet. It is also true that we have to come up against the chess greats in the form of the Chinese and the Indians, and also the former Soviet nations. Yet, if the 3 nations can send a team, we as better chess nation should be sending as well. Or are we satisfied with the title "Juara Kampung", or local heroes? Really, our chess forum had once boasted on how great their victory over an Indonesian GM, yet their lack the balls to compete on the International meet Indonesia gave their best in ( and finished a credible 6th. Kudos to them ). It comes of no surprise that we are below the Singaporeans even now.

Even if we don’t send our main team of masters, we can always look for juniors for experience gaining. Alex Gan and some others, are upcoming stars in the chess arena. And we have a promising chess woman player in Siti Zulaikha. Who knows, if we sent them to international meet every now and then, they may end up as our nation’s first GMs. In chess, experience counts.

If our notion of not investing in long term success continues, and we continue to dabble in our local hero title, I won’t be surprised if Japan, Macau, and Nepal will defeat us in chess one day.

2. Our nation press had been overly critical of our athletes. We seem to belittle athletes who had failed despite giving their best. Take Josiah, for example. He failed to achieve the target placed on his shoulders. But he gave his best performance then, and that was JUST insufficient. Yet, commentators commented him like crap, telling that we should forget about him. Perhaps they should cycle and compete instead. If they win, I will pray them as God (translate in Chinese). Same goes to our badminton team, and some other athletes.

3. This is the worst. Really. Our national doubles were fighting their heart out in the men’s doubles final. My former friends were outside watching EPL. WTF!! And it is not only them…I say, many were at mamaks watching the Englishmen. Not counting those who watched EPL from their home. Betting, perhaps?

It is a disgrace for us when someone representing our nation is competing, and there is live action from that match, and our people just go out and watch something else. The mamaks and other restaurants should also be ashamed of themselves. Tuning to EPL just to let people watch the matches ( and maybe they can get more business ). @#@$#%&^%*^&*!!!! What is the point in our badminton athletes fighting their hearts out if our people won’t even see them perform? Yes, many may not be interested in sports like badminton and squash, but when Malaysians are in action, don’t they feel the patriotism and the urge to watch our national players succeed?

Those stupid, brainless people should really learn to be more appreciative of our nation’s effort to make us well-known in sports.

Overall, Doha had been a truly exciting game event. I hope Guangzhou can give more.

Dear Santa,

Christmas is here again, just like it was during this time of the year every year in the past. However, this year, things are a bit different. No….very different. For one, I am more religious this year, yet I am more childish when I am making this mail up to you, Santa. I have so many things I feel I need now, and so few bucks to actually get them, which is why I am putting all I believe I will want is my wish list this Christmas.

MY WISH LIST

( Santa, if this wonderful guy really exists, will definitely weep when he sees this. I know he will )

1. A new 80GB harddisk.

Recently, I sent my beloved computer to a friend for maintenance and repair. Yeah, I know that my computer’s harddisk is acting a bit wierd beforehand. But I didn’t expect the resulting SMS to sound like "Your HD is spoilt, cannot access…" Now that it is this way, I will need a new harddisk for my computer. And I need it as soon as possible too. For me no life without me computer.

2. A new handphone.

I need a new handphone to get on with my life! Yeah, it’s true. It doesn’t have anything to do with being trendy, though. For all I need is a colour screen and polyphonic tones to accompany the phone, and I won’t be needing a camera on it. You see, Santa, handphone was my top shopping list before, due to the fact that I have 2 lines. But, since I decide to end one of my line in the near future, I am not anymore in dire need for one. Then again, my Nokia phone has for some time been problematic, and it is getting worse day by day. Now that the health of my Nokia phone is in critical state, I have to find a new handphone as a replacement for it before Reaper comes down and take him/her ( it? ).

3. Maya and 3D Studio Max Reference Book and Guide Software.

Among all factors that sum up my failure in academic, the lack of technical skills, especially in the areas of 3D animation, have been the most intriguing factor to focus on. In fact, I am very sure that if I had been able to cough out more techniques to impress, my performance will earn me my degree. Yet, it will eventually play to my advantage. I believe 3D animation is the next generation of advertisment and entertainment, based on the progress of advertising which I focused on. Now, if I get to master some 3D animation software, I would have the cutting edge, since I don’t have a degree. To do so, I will need some guidebooks and learning software to help myself climb this ladder.

Plus, if I get my hands on this, I would have made myself some animations to impress you, Santa, and that will bring me golds and jewelleries off your pockets and backpacks!! So, yeah, give me this items as soon as possible.

4. Reference Book and Guide Software of other animation programs.

I am very sure of my interest in 3D animation, but I am not thinking of discarding other look-and-feel animation. In fact, more animation skills means more weapons in my arsenal to impress, and you may even have to buy me a house, Santa, if I get my hands on mastering those stuff.

5. PS2.

After the big fight with my group of friends, I foresee that I will be spending more time at home. Yea…less money to burn. But, being a  teenager ( I am always young ), I need entertainment. Entertainment from doing various things.

During my gaming years, among my greatest regrets is the failure to get my hands on 2 of my favourite games. I have always been a fan of fighting, and this is the main reason for being a kung-fu student during my university years. ( Yes, shiver, Santa. If you don’t give me what I want, I may be bashing your nose in! ). Not getting my hands on Tekken and Soul Calibur series is considerably a crime. Plus, I have always been a fan to fantasy games, and one of the fantasy games I didn’t get my hands on is Final Fantasy series.

PS2 will bring me to those games, and get me to touch the games first hand.

6. Digital Camera.

Originally, a digital camera will be invaluable in capturing my precious moments graduating, but since this is now not possible, I really don’t need one. However, I am a person who loves travelling, and ….yea….I need a digicam to get my pictures takes as well.

7. A brand new computer, with the latest graphic technology and huge harddisk space.

I really don’t need this. My computer is still functional. But if you have cash to spare ( after getting all my other wishes ), feel free to get me this as well. I will welcome a second AAngel.

So, Santa, don’t cry. Put more of your strength getting me those items. ( If you really exists, that is )

Yours sincerely,

………………

It has been a long time since I failed in my academic ( at least this is what I felt ), and it also had been weeks since the big war with my close friends. I believe, anyone who had these heartbreaks coming at once will have found something to take their lives by now, but I am happy this hadn’t crossed my mind ( until now ). If not for the will to live on, I would have given up when the suspected dengue fever striked.

While the two big blows have been severe, and the result is not too convincing for me, there are some good in it. It ended some part of my naiveness, and make me more mature, especially in terms of friendship. Sadly, though, for my friends, it also means I am less willing to put friendship in the top priority position, even above my priority for my own self, anymore. Plus, I will be less sacrificial when facing friendship needs, and also more calculative. But not to an extend of demanding money for every help I give, just, I will help at my free time, not when I am busy with something.

The Glory

God has shown me a lot of his beauty during these few weeks of depression and sickness. I have been thinking and reflecting a lot, and even have been calculating for what is good for me. I know I am not so much of a stingy person, but I still look after my money ( and where every cent went to ). And this had been my unlocked attitude which is not even visible to my former friends. During this period, I have been realizing a lot of things, and opened a lot of ways for me to consider. Thus, losing my chance of a degree is not an end of the road for me, for I still have lots of other opportunities.

There is still chance for some other glory to show themselves to me. Here are some of them :

1. Despite losing my degree chances, and some may say losing my road to success, I don’t really believe I should stop dreaming here. For, I am an ambitious person, and no matter how, I still feel I can succeed. Thinking and reflecting back in my university life, I realize that I am a loser in computer, no matter if a degree ends up within my palms or not. Thus, I am never to venture into computer. Still, I still have feelings on animation, but that will be on leisure, which is not to be taken seriously. I am also a flop in my human management, but it is probably due to the fact that I am very kind-hearted, and dislike managing people. However, recent events generated my interest in management and business, which is never seen as a route for me beforehand. Still, more door opens. Because I have some basic in computer software, I believe I can use it to my advantage to promote myself to the sales world when the time comes.

2. Losing my friends is one big thing for me. I believe many would have realize how I treat my friends as God before this. Friendship still plays a big role in my heart, and I am very happy that many still care for me despite my disaster. I am able to find solace in the supports people lent me, which let me know that there is a lot more people out there who cares. To be able to still treat other friends as they were even when my trust on friendship is put on the line, is a victory for me.

3. Less money spending. Good for me. Before this, I have the naive thinking that I can bind and protect this ring of friendship by spending time with them every week. In fact, when Hamachi was introduced, I am with them whenever I can, and I can even discard my plans for my thesis on certain days just to play a game or two with them. This naive feeling had used me a lot. I am always the first one to go back and bind them together at every quarrel I had with them, even though I know deep in my heart the quarrel was by no means my fault. I even put up with midnight games with them even though I am dead tired. ( Imagine a naked beautiful girl walked right in front of me, and I show no reaction or anything. Yeah….that tired. ) Money, for me, was always well spent when with them, and I often follow on even though their plans were by no means enjoyable to me. Last time, I even set my budget of RM50 per weekend to enjoy with them. Having broken up this eventually free me from this crap, and liberate my money even more. I know now that I can save more for my future, and I can even think about getting a girlfriend, a situation which never crossed my mind because of my financial state before.

4. . Yeah, close friendship with them draw me closer with their attitude. I had two close friends before who think of nothing except spending money on luxuries ( to me ), and who think of nothing when they get the chance to gamble in Genting. For me, the main reason I NEVER followed them to any trip, save one Sunway, was that gambling had not been, is not, and WILL NEVER BE my doing. Plus, I even had rejected an offer to go to some pubs for Merdeka because I don’t believe in spending money on alcohol either. Well, because of this, I had been teased by them both, in which I can say they didn’t understand the real me. My ethical value is against drugs, smoking, gambling, and alcohol, so why the hell are they forcing these things on me. I am happy I walked out of this friendship still not touching those stuff, though I already broke one of my former ethics by going to cyber cafes.

5. I see more objective in myself. Failing my academic did stop some route for me. But losing my friends at the same time allow me more time to think for myself and what I wanted to do with this life. I never think of ending it until God take it from me, and before He do that, I want to do many meaningful things in my life. The eventful breakups had given me the opportunity to do so. Nobody will believe this, but the truth is, I have been following some Bible Study sessions for quite some time now. I have even took up chess more seriously, and am more focused on thinking of my future ambitions. Plus, I am less likely to be deterred by emotional walls should I really make up my mind.

The misery

What else could be more bad than losing academics and close friends at the same time? Yes, there is still a few more. It will hurt to know the fact that I am soon bound to lose more friends in the future. It will hurt more to know that my heart won’t be able to accept very close friendship for some time now, and it will hurt the most to know that my heart still haven’t have a priority for spiritual.

1. Yes, I know that I still have one close friend in that former group. With Brian and Terry both against me now, and Steven, Eddy and Alex are both likely to misunderstand me ( I am not too close for them to know the real me, so I believe they will be shielded off the real situation. ). Yes, I still have Darren as my last close friend. Sadlym I can only think of using him as an informant and a confidante. I cannot shed the feeling that eventually he will also shy away from me, since being close to me will draw him away from the bigger group, and it will be hard for him to go both ways. I have resigned to the fact that it will eventually happen, and I am somehow ready for it.

2. As I mentioned, I am less ready to accept someone to be close to me after this emotional backstab. The good thing is I am more independent, and more mature in some way, but the bad thing is that a friend cannot overly demand from me now, and worse is that no one could at the moment break this wall, so no one will come to be my girlfriend anytime soon.

3. I developed two bad attitudes. I am now more self-centered, and I am also more calculative. I am quite happy that I am not more political, else I would have hated myself. Due to these bad attitudes, I am less likely to ‘belanja makan’ anyone anymore, and I am also more watchful on my spendings when being with friends.

4. Obviously, this two stuff also dented my ambition quite a bit, and I know I have a long, hard road to walk in the future.

Lastly, I wish to say that i have not, and perhaps will never give up on my life. I am also ready to treat as if nothing has ever happened if my former friends do the same, but, sadly, things will never be the same anymore. To be able to shatter friendship for a mere game means that I lost confidence in them, and their attitude, and will never treat them as gloriously and as closely as before.

I am starting to think of how powerful a shamanic magic can be. The usually healthy me is down with fever, stomach ache, ect. for 3 days straight now. Suffering and paralysed for 3 days had set me enough time to ponder upon this question. Maybe an enemy has decided to take his revenge to a higher level by killing me with shamanic magic….

Nah….just kidding. But all in all, I am down with fever, vomitting, stomach ache, ect. A simptom not too far off dengue fever, but my fever keeps coming and going. I also have shortness of breath. All this because of some combined food poisoning reaction. Recovering now, but when I am sick, I always believe I will see my obituary on the next morning’s paper, and this is no exception.